Can't Have You
by MadAsRabbits9
Summary: Character death - One shot only x


"I'm so sorry boys, we did all we could" My heart fell, from the corner of my eye I saw James cup his hand to his mouth, as his own tears fell down his cheeks. Carlos was sitting on the floor crying hard, his sobs and screams could be heard throughout the entire hospital. I couldn't cry. For the first time in ages I, Mr Logan Mitchell, couldn't cry. I felt numb; I could feel nothing but the fresh pain in my heart. He was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I looked around as my breath started hitching in my throat. A nurse was trying to console Carlos by herself. James had tears streaming down his cheeks and his eyes were closed tight, his hair was a mess and for the first time in his entire life he didn't care. Mama Knight had run off somewhere but I could still hear her cries. Katie had gone home with Carlos' father earlier the morning before so she still didn't know and no one was in the right state to tell her. I didn't notice as a single tear ran down my cheek. Choked sobs escaped my mouth and everyone but the nurse who was trying to console Carlos looked at me. I looked up as the doctor placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I shook my head and looked at the floor, tears streaming faster now. James ran over to me and stood me up, pulling me into a hug. I buried my face in his shirt and sobbed quietly, fisting the back of his t-shirt.

I stayed in his arms for a while, the tears still streaming slowly. I felt bad, Carlos and Mrs Knight we're screaming their hearts out, and even James was crying more than me. All I could do was stand and allow stray tears to fall. I took a deep breath and pulled away from James, turning to the doctor.

"I need to see him" James looked at me, slightly shocked

"Logan do you really think that's a good idea?" He said, pain seeping through his voice. I bit my lip and looked at the floor

"I really don't know" My voice came out as a croak. The doctor looked at me

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with your friend here, it doesn't seem like a good idea, you have only just found out". I thought about it for a second and sighed

"I just want to see him" James looked at the doctor pleadingly

"Mr Mitchell..."

"Please?" I interrupted, on the brink of tears. The doctor sighed

"follow me" I swallowed hard, following him, not wanting to meet James' eyes directly. The look he was giving me would send me over the edge and if I burst out crying I would have no chance of seeing him. My chest tightened as we walked down the corridors. I was getting strange looks from everyone; my eyes were red and puffy from crying for the past 2 days, my hair was flat and my t-shirt was creased and messy. I looked a mess and I couldn't care less.

We got to the doors of the room and stopped.

"Are you sure Logan?" He asked me. I thought about it for a second and nodded. He opened the door for me and allowed me to step in

"Ill be just outside if you need me" I nodded and him and half smiled as he closed the door.

My breathing started going funny as I turned and looked at the bed in the room. I cupped my hands to my mouth as I saw the figure lying there. I took a few cautious steps forward, my legs shaking as his face came into sight. My lip quivered as a sob escaped my mouth. I walked up to the side of the bed and looked down at the body lying there. I placed my hand on the side of his face, flinching at the cold. More sobs escaped as I stroked his cheek. He looked so innocent, so peaceful, he wasn't in pain anymore, and I had to keep reminding myself that. My heart ached with longing as I took his hand and laced my fingers with his as I used to. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started sobbing uncontrollably and the tears poured from my eyes. I laid my head on Kendall's unmoving chest, praying that it would start moving again, just like it used to whenever I was with him. I would give anything to hear his heart beating again; hear his laugh, even a choke and a cough, anything. I wanted my Kendall back. But there was no hope. I started screaming and crying. James burst into the room at the moment and tried to pry me off of Kendall but was failing

"Carlos! Get in here and help me!" My heart felt like it was breaking as I was pulled off of Kendall. I started punching James' chest weakly, getting weaker and weaker with every punch. I knew I was hurting him, but I couldn't stop crying. James pulled me in close and put his hand on the back of my head, pulling it to his chest.

"Shh, It's going to be okay" I shook my head and gripped his shirt

"It's not; It's never going to be okay! I just want him back" My cries and screams continued as James picked me up and carried my out of the room. He sat down on a chair with me still on his lap and started rocking. I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier and my cries turned to sobs, which turned to sniffs soon enough. James was stroking my hair like Kendall had done, like he would never do again.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I picked at my fingernails as I waited in the front row for my turn to speak. It had been 2 and 1/2 weeks since the hospital and I wasn't finding it any easier. Everyone kept repeating the same thing 'It'll get easier' and 'it'll all be okay' but so far it was just getting harder.

"And now a few words from Logan Mitchell" I looked up as the priest gave me a sympathetic smile. I stood up and walked slowly over to the podium next to the coffin, trying not to look at it on the way I swallowed hard and looked down at James, Carlos and Mrs Knight, who was holding Katie close to her, both their eyes red and puffy. I didn't look much better and I knew that, but no one seemed to care. I cleared my throat and looked over all the people who had gathered

"From the moment I met Kendall at the age of 5, to the moment he asked me on our first date, all the way until now, Kendall has always meant the world to me and his entire family. He was an amazing guy and will be missed greatly by all his friends and family" I took a deep breath as I felt tears fill my eyes, I continued to speak, realising the pain in my voice showing

"He always cared about everyone. He was prepared to give anything and everything for those he loves" The tears overflowed down my cheek and a sob escaped my lips. I saw James move slightly, ready to come and give me a hug as soon as I needed one. Carlos did the same.

"He had the upmost respect for everyone that he met" The tears were streaming by this point, not only from my eyes but from most of the people in the halls too.

"He would never judge anyone without getting to know them and all he wanted was the safety of his friends. If it wasn't for him I can guarantee most of your lives wouldn't be the same, He changed everyone's lives in one way or the other and it was always for the good" I could see Gustavo and Kelly at the back. Kelly was crying and Gustavo wasn't far behind. My voice was turning to a high pitched squeak again. I was finding it hard to carry on talking but I had to.

"what I'm trying to say is...That Kendall was the nicest, sweetest, most amazing guy any of you would have the pleasure to know, and he will be missed greatly" I turned to the coffin, about to break down

"I love you Kendall, and I always will, You are my one and only and you will be forever" My knees buckled and I felt two arms catch me. James was standing behind me; He pulled me up and into a hug as I finally broke down into tears. I felt another pair of arms around me and looked up to see Carlos. Soon enough Mama Knight and Katie were standing up hugging me. I carried on crying into James' jacket, wrapping my arms around his torso. He leant his chin on the top of my head before leading me outside for the final goodbye.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I leant my head on James' shoulder as I watched the coffin lowered into the grave. A single tear fell down my cheek. James took hold of my hand and Carlos took hold of the other. The next few months we're going to be hard, but I couldn't help but thank the lord that I had friends as great as Carlos and James there to stick by me.

Maybe things would be alright after all.


End file.
